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Mini-Review: Love, Chunibyo & Other Delusions!

I’m so glad @littlestartopaz​recommended this to me, because it was SO GOOD.

Yuta wants to start high school afresh: new school far from home, new classmates who don’t know he spent middle school acting out the fantasy of being the mysterious and magic “Dark Flame Master,” new him. But one of his classmates has delusions of her own, and after she accidentally discovers his embarrassing past, Yuta is unwillingly drawn into her life and a growing circle of friends with their own quirks.

The “chunibyo” of the title basically means “8th grade syndrome;” a phase in middle school where some kids inhabit and act out their own fantasy stories, positing themselves as dark magicians, magical girls, and other wielders of magical powers.

I had avoided this for a while, until it was specifically recommended to me, because honestly, it sounds embarrassing, right? It sounds like it’s gonna be an embarrassing manic pixie dream girl scenario. But what it actually contains is the story of how a mixed bag of students--some actively chunibyo, others not--become friends and develop very endearing close relationships, while arguing and frustrating each other because that’s what friends do.

Now, the idea of being the star of what’s essentially your own fantasy-action anime is embarrassing, but what’s notable is that the show doesn’t really hold the chunibyo characters up for mockery. Sure we might laugh at them, but hey--it’s funny to watch friends be silly together. And most viewers, just like some of the characters who have moved on from their chunibyo phases, probably easily understand the mix of soul-wrenching embarrassment and (mild?) fond sentiment that comes with remembering our middle school selves.

But let’s be real: the reactions the two former chunibyo students, Yuta and Shinka have to being reminded of middle school, are #RELATABLE

Rikka, our title chunibyo, in particular uses her fantasy in part to cope with grief, coming from an extended family that (without getting spoilery) didn’t help a young girl to deal with a very hard and life-changing time. Now that she’s in high school,her older sister blackmails Yuta (using an a voice recording of one of his chunibyo speeches) into helping deal with Rikka and things (like the cat she wants to adopt) that pop up.

One thing the show is very good at, though, is not making a single thing the reason behind a character’s chunibyo. One may have started their fantasy inspired by another person, or prompted by an event, but it’s also (while active) part of their personal narrative that influences how they spent their free time, how they see the world and keep blogs or diaries, etc.

But at the same time, they’re still teenagers, and their inner view of themselves...doesn’t always translate skills.

I said the show is primarily about friendship. A lot of that friendship is between Yuta and Rikka, but they accumulate a little group, mainly through Rikka’s attempt to start a magic club. Recruit 1: Kumin, a polite, quiet senpai with no chunibyo history or aspirations.

Kumin starts off seeming like a background character, but by the second season it’s clear she’s not just there for jokes about how she’ll take a nap anywhere. She’s perceptive, and genuinely enjoys watching the others act out their scenarios.

Compared to the other characters who are boisterous in their chunibyo activities (Rikka, Deko, Satone), or vociferously trying not to get drawn in to chunibyo activities (Yuta, Shinka), Kumin is happy to watch and offer encouragement, but she’s also willing to participate if a chunibyo scenario calls for a group.

Incidentally, the show does a really interesting thing where occasionally, we’ll be drawn “inside” the chunibyo world, seeing what Rikka/Deko/whoever see: a fantasy land, big magical weapons, anime-grade magical attacks. Occasionally we’ll also see what this “really” looks like--a couple people running around waving umbrellas at each other--but often we only get the fantasy version. It’s clear that Rikka and co. are legitimately on some level engaging in a shared imagination, and the times when a reluctant character (particularly Yuta or Shinka) willing steps in to the shared illusion are genuinely sweet.

Speaking of, Shinka (aka Morisummer) became one of my favorite characters. Like Yuta, she was chunibyo (”Morisummer the magician”); like Yuta, she chose a high school where she didn’t know anyone expressly so she could reinvent herself as a normal teen. And like Yuta, she’s getting dragged kicking and screaming into chunibyo again.

It would’ve been so easy to make her a bad character. She’s pretty, puts a lot of effort into being popular and likable at school, trying to keep up a good teen girl image, despite being fairly sarcastic at her core. And as loathe as she is to admit it, she likes her friends (even if she won’t admit they’re friends, even if half of them are actively chunibyo, even if she saysshe’s only hanging around so she can make sure all traces of chunibyo-Morisummer are erased from the internet).

Shinka gets drawn in to the group through Rikka’s apparently only pre-existing friend: Deko, a fellow chunibyo who follows Rikka (or “Eye of the Wicked Lord Shingan”) as her master, and is extremely devoted to the great magician Morisummer. So devoted, in fact, that she has several physical copies of Morisummer’s book containing all her wisdom...aka Shinka-Morisummer’s blog, which Shinka has tried to erase all trace of.

Needless to say, the two don’t seem to get along great.

Deko’s dedication to chunibyo and Morisummer irks Shinka; Shinka’s claim to be Morisummer irks Deko, who refuses to believe the great magician could ever be this sarcastic, mundane girl. Deko’s refusal irks Shinka, bringing out the sarcasm and bluntness Shinka tries to hide from the school at large.

Obviously, they actually become close friends, but heaven help you if you actually say so.

The entire series is an exploration of relationships, and Yuta’s developing closeness with Rikka (hey, we knew it was going to happen) is also sweet. He’s a genuinely likable boy, embarrassed by the vestiges of his former self he sees in Rikka, but often willing to meet her on her level, and both of them also learn/reaffirm the importance of doing things their way, and keeping both of them comfortable, rather than acting a certain way or performing specific acts just because their classmates think their relationship status mandates it.

Speaking of classmates--and I know this is getting long but I CAN’T HELP IT, I LIKED SO MANY ASPECTS OF THIS SERIES--the characters aren’t ridiculed at school. Sure, some people think they’re weird, but there’s no shunning, no arc involving teasing or bullies. Rikka’s often content as a loner, but when she attempts to join in a social circle, she’s welcomed. Shinka’s obsessed with reinventing herself and appearing normal and seems to think that otherwise she’ll be cast out, but multiple characters mention that others at the school notice how she behaves (oddly, on occasion) and there are no social repercussions. Truly nice for a show that has characters spending quite a lot of time in school.

Verdict

English dub? Yes, and it’s got strong performances. Rikka’s voice actor in particular does a fantastic job capturing the difference between chunibyo!Rikka’s confidence and command, and regular!Rikka’s, well, normal awkward teenageness. (Plus, I also found her lower-than animegirl-average voice enjoyable.) (Double plus, I honestly think her English voice is better than her original Japanese voice at showing the difference between her emotions and chunibyo/reality.) Deko’s VA is fantastic showing the enthusiasm of the 9th grader (and what enthusiasm, Deko is like the Energizer Bunny), and Shinka’s VA manages to show her alternating annoyance, cheerfully sweet ideal self, and organizized leader voices.

Visuals: Fine, and I really liked the chunibyo designs for each character’s chunibyo phase. The contrast between chunibyo-vision (giant magic weapons; mysterious lights, fantasy landscapes) and reality (an umbrella or soup ladle; a strip of lights taped to the floor; a local park) was really well done.

Worth watching? Yessss. It’s very manageable--two 12-episode seasons--and while each season contains its own arc (you could stop after the first one, but why), together they make an excellent story. Heck, I think the second season is equal to, if not better than, the first, because the friend group is well-established and even more fun to watch.

Where to watch (USA, as of October 2020): Netflix (dub, sub); Crunchyroll (sub), HIDIVE (sub & dub, plus OVAs and film)

Click my “reviews” tag below or search “mini review” on my blog to find more!

White Lies Magazine Interview with Louis Hofmann

How long are you in England for?I'm currently staying for six weeks, but I've already been here for five and a half so I'm only here for a couple more days before heading back to Germany for rehearsals for my next film.

Really, or did they kick you out because of Brexit ?

No they didn't (laughs) - and luckily there are no real changes until December so I can get in and out without a problem. I'm not exactly sure what will change for Germans anyway, if there are new regulations or if it will be the same in terms of travelling. It's gonna be really crappy for basically everyone leaving the UK - if you consider that someone who has a band for example and plays a tour around Europe will need to pay or be passport-controlled with their equipment every time they cross borders. It might not matter for a big band like Coldplay but small bands will have a lot of trouble with that.

Actually Coldplay has suspended their tours until they can find a way to make them sustainable.

I know and I think that is amazing!

How are you with environmentalism, are you active?

I wish I was more active to be honest, because I have a platform on Instagram which I could use a bit more - I'm just always quite scared when it comes to posting because I know that so many people then talk about it and judge me for what I have posted. l don't have an issue with taking a political side on an I think fairly easy topic to take sides on when it comes to the environment. But then again it's this general thing of posting something and l know 400.000 people will look at it or make up their mind about it - have an opinion and voice it. It's just something that scares me, so that is holding me back a bit but I'm trying a bit more.

Understood. But isn't it the same with doing a movie or starring in a TV series, you put it out there and everyone is going to judge you ? Even more people than just your followers as a matter of fact.

Of course. But that's my job. That's what I love to do, that's what I've chosen to do. I have not chosen to be someone who is followed by 400.000 people on Instagram, that sort of just happened.

It's a side effect.

It is and I am grateful for it but it also scares me (laughs).

That makes sense. But do you even realise how famous you are? I remember I walked into someone's house in Korea last year and they were watching "Dark" that very moment, all fans of yours.

I don't think I get it. No, I don't quite get it. When I talk to casting directors about my value on the English language market they will eventually tell me that it's not as profound as they want it to be to play a main role in an English language feature film. You have to separate between being known from something and being so known for quality that you have international value - having sort of a critical acclaim and value in different countries. I don't think I'm there yet and would only consider myself famous, which is already weird to discuss and acknowledge out loud. For now, to be fair, I'm just the guy from "Dark".

It did reach a bit of an iconic status though, also your character. Everyone is going to remember you for that yellow raincoat.

I hope they won't only remember me for only that (laughs).

Do you wear a yellow raincoat in private ?

No, there is no opportunity for me anymore to wear a yellow raincoat. It's not possible. But let's get back once more to environmentalism. One thing is stating your opinion on social media but the other thing is when it comes to acting myself, to change my daily life to help the environment. I would say I'm quite conscious about it and avoid flying and consuming local produce. Focus on quality and try to not waste products.

Who is inspiring you?

Leonardo Dicaprio for example. But I don't know if he necessarily acts himself that way, but he does something about speaking out about it - using his figure and position as an activist to talk about it. I quite like that.

He is doing one thing I could personally not do however. Speaking out for something and then doing the opposite in his private life. And that judgement is what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of getting perceived as a hypocrite. But then again being perceived as that in terms of climate change doesn't really help because it needs to be spoken about and maybe you do not do as much as you talk about it. But at least you raise awareness and take even just a small part.

I absolutely agree. I think we need to re-think thatwhole concept of hypocrisy in this thing because if he reaches a couple of million people and they are changing something about it - even if he is doing the opposite - he is still doing a lot of good with it. Even though he is a hypocrite I think we need to redefine what it means - at the end of the day we will all be hypocrites because no one is really going to be able to live completely sustainably, we can't think in those absolute terms too much. Everyone needs to start with one thing - picking their battles. Focus on plastic for example, we may get better at disposing of it while still being bad in terms of traveling for example, but that is okay, we can only do one thing at a time.

Don't you think it's crazy that in relation to something like the coronavirus pandemic, pressing and tangible as it affects us now - everybody is afraid, everyone acts, the government acts and everyone is doing their part. Then there is climate change which is more intangible because it's still far away and people don't really care about it - I think this is a problem. Why only act about something that only affects yourself? It's quite selfish and stands for a lot more than only this.

That's it. We went really deep pretty quick didn't we? The most pressing question however is - how often do you cry watching movies ?

I do like to cry when I watch films, because I think I'm quite empathetic so I can relate to the characters a lot. I don't often do it but I really do not mind - it means I'm involved in the story. I like crying in movies. Therefore I know it has touched me somehow.

I have a weird relationship to crying in movies, I like doing it but there is a certain place where I cry much more easily - on planes. It's quite strange actually but I get very emotional when I'm up in the air.

That's good, I guess? Have you seen the film "Click"? It's not the greatest film out there, it's with Adam Sandler. But there is a scene in the end where he (spoiler alert) dies. There is a remote with which he can forward his life and he fasts forward to the moment when he dies. It's very dramatic, tragic - almost pathetic and still I started crying because I imagined that happening to me and felt so sad (laughs).

This is going to be the headline: Louis Hofmann, the guy who cries at Adam Sandler movies.

I can imagine you being the guy who would make a head- line like this.

Have you ever died in a movie?

[START OF SPOILER]

Yes, I've died in "Alone in Berlin" and also in "Prélude", where my character hangs himself in the end.

How was that for you?

I was not very attached to myself at that moment. I mean eventually it gets cut out. So the moment I actually die they cut off and it turns black. I still enacted the scenes but it was weird, it was more of a physical thing than an emotional one when I acted it. It's just sometimes with very physical scenes - the dynamic approach and action can be so mentally and intellectually exhausting that there is not much room left for emotional attachment. It didn't feel I was dying myself. It did hurt though, I had the rope around my neck.

[END OF SPOILER]

Good one. Do you believe in fairytales?

No I don't. But I do like "Bojack Horseman" though because it seems so dumb first but turns so philosophical.

In general, what is happiness to you?

I don't know what it means to me but I know when l feel happy - that's when I'm grounded, when I'm self-assured and when I feel like I'm really being myself. When I reach that state I feel happiness. Sharing that happiness with someone is what's most important. Happiness is truly being yourself.

Very profound answer. How is your work- life balance, are you always working?

I think it's quite okay. The only thing I kindof need to improve is that - when I work Iwork 100% and I tend to think about theyear in little phases. I work then I'm free,then I work then I'm free. And I always onlytake really care of myself in the times when I have spare time. When I work my health and my hobbies - I just do not look at that. It's all about the work. I want to get somewhere where I can balance those things better.

The thing I really wanted to touch basewith you on was the future of movies. Weare talking about technology, virtual reality, 3D. Would you like to do some work in 3D?

I would only like to do something in 3D ifthe new technology elevates the film toanother level and makes sense story-wise.I'm not a fan of it only if it looks good. If ithelps the story to evolve into somethingbigger then it's okay. I'm an admirer of thatold cinema look, of that really organictaste of a film. I don't know if I would liketo act in a VR film. What I don't like aboutnew technologies is that the acting itselfand the characters and craft are kind-ofleft behind. In the foreground it's only thetechnique, the focus is too much on thevisual aspects rather than the screencraft.

I totally understand what you're saying - but if you think about it this way now - people probably said the same thing about colour films in times of black/white films because colours took away the attention from the acting. I think it's about what we are used to. If we say in a couple of years it's normal to consume everything in 3D and VR, do we still think about that?

I mean it surely is incredible what they have achieved and still continue to achieve with 3D and VR. Remarkable how they portray an illusion and tell a story in such a unique and involving way. I'm just always afraid that if you want to tell a character based story with that technique, the characters and the acting will be left behind due to the sheer amount of attention the technical stuff needs from the cast and the team. But of course it's fascinating and intriguing. And since we sort of got used to seeing films in 3D, maybe that's also gonna happen to VR.

How do you think we will consume movies and series in 20 years or how does actingactually change? Looking at "Death Stranding", a video game by Hideo Koji-ma that stars an impressive cast with Mads Mikkelsen, Lea Seydoux and Norman Reedus, to name but a few. They are in this game as actors through 3D scanning. Imagine this fast-forwarded 20 years.

I really hope that traditional acting doesn'tdie. I don't know - in 30 years I'll probably think differently but right now I think you can not replace something natural with something computer-generated. If the technology evolves, maybe it will be possible.

Anyway, how does it feel like to seeyourself in a sex scene?

(laughs) I've always said I separate myselffrom the character when I watch my films.It's the character who gets naked and hassex, it's not me. It's just when you arearound people who you know personally, itmight get awkward, for example with mymom. You just have to evaluate if nudityand sex is necessary for the story and thecharacter - if it is, it's not tough to watch.

It's a powerful meditation on how to detachyourself from something, isn't it?

For sure, it doesn't always work though.

Title: The GuestAuthor: @wickednerderyFandom: The Night ManagerPairing/character: Jonathan Pine/OCRating: TeenSummary: “Damn son, you fine as Hell!”Notes: This is something that’s been bouncing in my brain for, like, almost a year (on-and-off)…still not sure I have more than snapshots, but it finally came out onto paper just now lol!

Previous Chapter

They return in the same silence they left, comfortably shared, then depart into their own worlds once more. Kay focuses on running her hotel, Pine on being its guest. They exchange looks on occasion, smiles when they both see Mrs Regan, but otherwise make no contact. The days drift on lazily, peacefully.

Jonathan makes his way out for lunch in the town square when he hears fast, sloppy, feet approaching. He turns to see a girl near the same age as Danny with a large, nervous, smile.

“Hi.”

“Hello.” He waits, seeing her sway in attempts to build up courage.

“I’m May.”

“I’m Jonathan.” Smile turns up corners of his lips. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, May.”

“You’re tall.”

He stifles his laugh so as to not embarrass her. “Thank you.” He continues to wait.

“Umm…can you, uh…help me get the beach ball?”

“The beach ball?”

“Yeah, I was, we were, kicking it outside and it, well, you know, got stuck.”

“Where?”

“On the grill-house, where they cook the pool food. I think it’s...” she shrugs. “I don’t know, caught on the gutter or something.”

“Ah, yes, well, I can certainly try.” Even he has to climb on a nearby barrel to get atop the shed that serves as grill-house, but he’s able to find the ball instantly. As he goes to collect it,pinned between gutter and smokestack, he sees a small sack tucked in the shadows.

“Did you find it?” May calls out when he goes silent too long.

“...Yeah...” He tosses the ball off the roof to her.“I’m just...thinking maybe I can fix what it got snagged on.”

“Is something broken? Should I tell my mom?”

“No, no.” God no!“Let me just...clean a bit of debris real quick. Then your mom won’t have to do it herself.”

“Okay.” May squeezes ball, testing its inflation level.“Weird...”

Pine crouches, taking sack and opening it.“What’s weird?”

“Mom just cleaned the gutters yesterday.”

“Mmm...” Jonathan pulls out two passports. One real is real, the other a passable, though not great, fake. He reads the original: Ricardo Jiménez. Then the fake: Ricardo Hernandez. It’s not a stretch to consider this who the men were looking for.

“Mr Jonathan, are you okay? Are you stuck too?”

He shoves the passports back into the sack, returns sack to its hiding spot, with a small laugh.“No, I’m all right, May.” He heads down, from roof to barrel to ground.“I just wanted to be sure. Hardly point in leaving a job half done, is there?”

“You sound like my mom.” It’s not an insult, but not quite a compliment either.“She says you have to finish what you start.”

“Does she now?”

“Yup!” May bounces ball off her knees with her steps.“Hey, can you...not tell my mom about the ball thing? I already got dinged for forgetting to lock the pool. At this rate I’ll never get my own phone.”

Jonathan smiles down at her.“Your secret’s safe with me, May.”

“Thanks, Mr Jonathan!” Any hope of speaking longer with the girl is dashed as she runs to her friends triumphantlydisplaying the ball to them.

**

He selects a hole-in-the-wall for lunch, somewhere he can collect his thoughts without distractions from touristing crowds. It’s full of locals, most taking sandwiches to-go, as they grab a quick meal. Some give him a glance, recognizing an outsider, but most don’t bother. Most are too busy to get back to work...lunch is a busy time, robust in customers.

Pine reviews what he knows. He knows two men were aggressively looking for one of Kay’s male guests, suggesting he was dangerous to her. That helping him could pose a legal risk to her. Given what he found today, it’s not a stretch to assume Ricardo is the man they were looking for. It’s also not a stretch that think Kay is, in fact, not just protecting, but helping, the man. The question remains...why?

Is Kay being played? Threatened into helping? Or is she in on whatever it is that makes Ricardo a wanted man? The little he knows of the woman makes it unlikely she’s gullible enough to be conned. She’s strong, yes, but her daughter could be a weak point, a lever for Ricardo to pull. He’d like to think she’s not in on it, but he’s no longer in the habit of trusting others...not even single mother’s running coastal inns. If he just had a bit more information, maybe he could sort through it all better.

Pine pulls out his mobile, scrolls contacts, pauses at Angela’s entry. But then what? Burr’s British intelligence, not American, and he’s supposed to be out of the business. The life. What does he say? Yes, I’m reentering the world, but would you mind terribly tracking down a man who may or may not be involved in illegal activities at my hotel in the States? Also, look up the woman managing the hotel, if you could, please?“Bloody idiot,” he mutters to himself, stuffing phone back into pocket and collecting things for the receptacle.

“Fuck yo!” The woman exclaims as she bounces off his chest.

“Terribly sorry, are you all right?”

She’s rubs her forehead.“Ya’ll never look for them bitty girls, do you?” Looking up, frown goes to grin.“Damn son, you fine as Hell!”

Jonathan nearly snorts a laugh at what may well be the most American way someone’s complimented him.“Thank you.” It comes out automatically, instinctual politeness kicking.

“How‘bout a few drinks on me? Literally, if you play your cards right.” She shrugs.“If I play my cards right, am I right?” He goes to speak, but she carries on.“No, no, don’t break my heart, just pretend I didn’t say it at all. How about a Coke though? One for the road, so I can tell my cuz I bought a hottie Brit a drink instead of blowing my shot all over him.”

“I’m afraid I’ve already had a pop, thank you though.”

“Damn.” She tries another tactic.“Well, I’ll be at Squall’s End, if you change your mind. Nice little bar. Gotta in with the owner, so I can slide you a freebie, if you’re up for it, Shakespeare.”

Interest truly piqued, he smiles.“How about I buy you a drink here and we go up there together?”

“Really?” Grin brightens, then fades to wariness.“Wait, you staying there?”

“Precisely.”

“Ah, shit...” the woman shakes her head.“Nope nope, sorry, my cousin’s gotta strict‘no hittin’ on the guests’ policy for my ass.”

“Your cousin is the manager, Kay, then?”

“Oooo, already on a nickname basis with her, huh? She must like you, but then she’s seen you...heard that devastating voice of yours...” The woman fakes a swoon, then carries on.“I’m Qi. But it’s with a q, instead of c-h, because my parents wanted to ensure a hundred people mispronounced my name before I entered first grade. So...Who’re you, Shakespeare?”

“Jonathan. Jonathan Ashland.”

“Parents didn’t even have the decency of naming you something like Neville or Mortimer...Lucky devil.” Qi takes a deep breath, then lifts brows.“I still want that cola, Jonathan, but now it’s a ‘friend, size-up-the-guest’, cola instead of a come-on cola.”

“Of course.”

...Perhaps Qi has some answers for Pine, she’s certainly open and chatty enough.

“Okay, get me my soda and prepare for interrogation, Mr Darcy.”

“Darcy?”

“Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy, Pride and Prejudice, keep up, Sherlock!”

Another one out and, this time, with a surprise new character, haha! Not sure if Qi will be around a lot or just a little bit - I do know WHY she’s here though - but she’s already making me laugh, LOL!! She’s younger than Kay, obviously way bolder and flirtier, but she’d just say she speaks the truth, haha! I’m hope May came out okay...she’s nervous and I don’t generally write kids so they’re not really my strong suit to start, lol! And I should have a masterlist for this tale soon, so yay, lol!

(Gifs found on Google, adjusted by me!)

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The Definitive Totally Objective Ranking of Every One Direction Song

As the title says, this is a totally objectiveand absolutely not biased in any way* ranking of every 1D song recorded. Except like, not remixes or covers because that’s the line I drew in the sand and I’m sticking to it. I mean, it’s still ninety damn songs, so like, there’s enough there there. Anyway, let’s get to it. (Also, as a note, as always, I kinda view language as an impressionist painter would... up close these words might not mean anything, but if you take a step back the general feeling should be there.)

*I am lying.

90. Little Black Dress

1D has a pretty serious discography at this point. Five albums, all ridiculously overstuffed with deluxe, Target-exclusive, Japanese B-sides that must be collected by depositing $20 into the eager gullet of your nearest Sony executive. So like there’s a lot of songs. And not all of them are gems. So being last is a truly impressive feat of strength. But here “Little Black Dress” is. Little Black Dress is just a wall of noise. It’s a rock song written by someone whose only point of reference is a Kidz Bop cover album of the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack and then was recorded using GarageBand on a laptop in the middle of a construction site. It’s a truly meritless sonic attack, devoid of personality or melody. The best thing about it is that it clocks in at a mercifully brief 2:37.

89. Nobody Compares

Find Liam Payne in this song. Oh, what, you can’t? Because he’s literally not there? Like, at all? Like, not even kinda mixed in to the back of the chorus somewhere? Huh. Funny. Now on a totally unrelated point, Nobody Compares is a trash garbage dumpster fire.

88. Something Great

You see, the thing about Something Great is that it really shouzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

87. Gotta Be You

You know how I know there must be like mystical forces behind the power of 1D? They released this as their second single and the world didn’t immediately throw them into the abyss. A lot of 1D’s ballads are boring, but Gotta Be You is special because it is somehow both boring and also has one of the most grating choruses ever crafted. And most of Up All Night is shoddily produced, but it’s real noticeable on parts of Gotta Be You (see the very beginning of the second verse). And then they released a“US 2012″ version that is the exact same thing??? Except like Liam resang the line about making a mess on your innocence. BECAUSE REASONS.

86. Taken

Try singing Demi Lovato’s“Skyscraper” over“Taken.” It’s easy. Because they’re the same song. Except Skyscraper is significantly better. Taken is what happens when you ask the writers of Skyscraper to rewrite Skyscraper, except this time use even more clichesand make sure that there’s no discernible build anywhere in the entire song. It doesn’t help that the children singing are not actually very good at singing at this point. Like, Zayn whiffs at the beginning of the bridge. On the studio version. And I feel like that’s all that needs to be said, really.

85. Little Things

One Direction have a bad history with second singles. And Little Things is no difference. First, it is written by Ed Sheeran and like, every single one of them sounds like they’re trying to do their best Ed Sheeran impression. And none of them are great at it. Next, the lyrics are aggressively bad. No one should ever be forced to say any of the words that Harry and Liam are forced to say on this song. It’s a crime. But mostly, it’s the worst type of acoustic college dudebro song that should be banished forever from polite society, for the benefit of everyone who isn’t a nineteen year old white dude that’s finding himself.

84. Once In A Lifetime

With the pacing of a funeral dirge and the personality of your local DMV, Once In A Lifetime is a true stunner. I don’t know if the soft acoustic guitar or the barely audible whisper on all the vocals is more innovative, but man is this song exciting. At least, again, they seem to be fully aware of their worst songs and end this one after 2:38.

83. Night Changes

Was this a second single? I don’t remember. It sounds like a second single though. It’s got all the hallmark points of one: indistinct ballad, saccharine lyrics, and like the Glade plug-in air of romance to it. But Night Changes also manages to have the worst 1D music video as well. A video where they decided it’d be a good idea to split everyone up and then not have any of the hyena children antics. I call a do-over.

82. Spaces

Have you picked up on the theme of terrible 1D songs yet? It’s faceless ballads that would be better suited playing on repeat in my own personal hell than on a One Direction album. Like, if you’re gonna make a ballad as a vocal group, then at least serve me some lush harmonies to bask in. And like, the reason Spaces is better than all the ones before it is because it does that for exactly .5 seconds after the bridge when the beat drops out and there’s a delicious“oh spaces between us.” So thanks, Spaces, for not being totally worthless.

81. Same Mistakes

The only surprising thing about Same Mistakes is that it was not written and produced by Ryan Tedder.

80. Infinity

Honestly, I’m shocked that Infinity wasn’t the second single off of Made in the A.M. because it sounds exactly like it should’ve been. And like, comparing Infinity to Gotta Be You shows just how much better they got at singing and how much better their producers got at producing their voices. But like, it’s still a boring song, Jan, with a particularly bland chorus.

79. Temporary Fix

Temporary Fix is kinda the spiritual successor to No Control. But just like, much worse. The vocal tones are all poorly matched and both verses end up sounding like total messes. The chorus sounds like it might be interesting, but then quickly dissolves into a puddle of adult contemporary insipidness. And like, it’s just a lot of overproduced noise.

78. Illusion

This might be the worst chorus in 1D’s discography. It has actively mundane lyrics and sounds like the worst kind of Disney channel original movie song reject. It’s melodically repetitive and also hookless, a combination that defies sense. But like, the verses kinda bop, so the song isn’t the worst ever.

77. Home

So like, if I’m being real honest, I heard Home for the first (?) time when writing this list. And... I can’t say I’m ever going to be hearing it again. Harry’s falsetto is not a good sound here. The entire instrumental is a plodding disaster. The song sounds the exact same the entire time, but it also sounds like they stitched four separate songs together at the last minute. And how it manages to be both disjointed and boring is beyond me. But like, yikes.

76. Another World

Okay, so, objectively Another World is a terrible song. It kinda sounds like a song that would be playing in the background on a Japanese commercial for like some chocolate snack. And it also sounds like it was produced using only the preloaded Casio beats. But otherwise, it’s a hilarious relic from One Direction, a band that released B-sides in the year of our lord 2012.

75. Right Now

Oh, Right Now. What could’ve been. I actually quite like Right Now as a song. It hits that plaintive vibe pretty well. It builds well. It’s kinda an ideal pop midtempo song. But all the vocals on the studio version are tragic. (The live performances are significantly better. Which is not a thing I say about One Direction songs, ever.) Louis sounds like he’s both singing through his nose and chewing on sandpaper. Niall digs in to the most grating parts of his tone. Zayn’s falsetto sounds paper thin. Liam is barely hanging on to some of those higher notes. And, like, Harry actually acquits himself of the mess pretty well. But come. on.

74. I Wish

At this point, I harbor no resentment for any of these songs. But like, this song is just total album filler. It’s the most nothing a song could nothing. You could’ve replaced this song with any other song from any other artist on any other album and no one would’ve noticed. Because it’s the equivalent of the raspberry jelly beans in a packet of Jelly Bellies. Like fine, but no one’s looking out for it.

73. Stand Up

“Oh oh oh oh / so put your hands up / oh oh oh oh / cause it’s a stand up / and i won’t be leaving till i finish stealing every piece of your heart” is the greatest chorus written in the history of music. This song is a masterpiece, whose chorus is somehow dwarfed by the bridge:“And I will steal us a car / and we will drive to the stars / I will give you the moon / it’s the least I can do / if you give me the chance” where“chance” and“do” are written as a rhyme???? And then“I’m a thief / i’m a thief / i’m only here / i’m a thief / i’m a thief / because you stole my heart.” GOD, I should’ve ranked this song way higher. I regret this already.

72. Midnight Memories

Oh, Midnight Memories. The album where One Direction decided that they weren’t going to deliver pure pop jam after pure pop jam and were instead going to give me subpar rehashes of dated rock songs and modern folk tunes. Great. And like, Midnight Memories is probably the least inspired of all the subpar rock rehashes. But like, at least it gave us the fun anecdote about having the lyrics originally be“I love KFC,” which I think could’ve made for a deeper, more contemplative song, tbh.

71. Na Na Na

It’s another lovely B-Side, and you can tell once again by its middle school music project-level production quality (and the fact that Liam sings basically the whole song, the other stalwart pillar of 1D B-sides). And, as the great William Shakespeare once said, they were like na na na, then they were like yeah yeah yeah. But wait, here’s the twist, then they went na na na. I know, it’s really quite an emotional rollercoaster.

70. Diana

Basically all that stuff I said about Midnight Memories, again. Except this time about The Police. At least this has some fun 80s pop-style synth going on.

69. Love You Goodbye

Liam serves some serious vocals on the opening of this song. And honestly, that’s the entire reason this has managed to escape the lower echelon of this ranking. Because this is every bit as insipid as Infinity, except at least this kind of leans into it with the snare drum and the overly dramatic strings.

68. Happily

Oh hey, it’s the other type of song on Midnight Memories that drives me up the wall. I think when it first came out I called it Mumfordian riff raff, and that’s basically what I’m gonna stick with. It’s Mumfordian riff raff. And not a particularly good iteration of it. So, like, what’s the point. If you’re gonna trend hop, at least do it well.

67. Stockholm Syndrome

I really, really love Everybody Wants To Rule The World.

66. Why Don’t We Go There

This song might be incredibly generic, but it’s also great to just blast while driving down some empty highway that I have heard exists in places that are not Los Angeles. There are fun little oohs throughout the song, and so I can mostly overlook the fact that most of the instrumental to the song sounds like it was lifted out of the beginner level of a knock off Guitar Hero that couldn’t get licenses for any actual song.

65. Still The One

The Take Me Home bonus tracks are all certifiable jams. They’re hilarious and cheesy, but like unapologetically fun and totally unpretentious. No one told any of these tracks that they weren’t cool, so they just all do their own terrible Carlton dance in the street without apprehension. It’s beautiful. Still The One is bouncy and energetic and it doesn’t care that Niall and Louis definitely cannot hit the low note it asks them to because it’s just as certain as I am that no one ever listens to these songs. And that’s beautiful.

64. Ready To Run

The chorus of Ready To Run has the line“escape from the city” in it, which obligates me to mention the best video game song of all time: City Escape from Sonic Adventure Battle Fight Club 2: 2 Fast 2 Sonic. It’s not relevant to the song or this ranking, but do yourself a favor and jam out to it. Ready To Run is no City Escape, but it’s got some solid vocals and the lameness of the chorus doesn’t offend my core.

63. Magic

Another pop perfection Take Me Home bonus track that never should have made it out for public consumption but somehow managed to sneak out and thank god for it. I want someone to hunt Harry Styles down and ask him to sing this song. Do you think any of them even remember that this song exists? If you played this song for them, would they have any recollection of recording it? Does this song even exist?

62. Walking In The Wind

Not to state the obvious, but this song is just wonderfully light and breezy. Louis’s verse is impeccably delivered and the song manages to draw a more resonant sound out of his voice than usual. And that would elevate the song even higher if the bridge didn’t sound so horrifically strained the whole time. But you know, you can only have so many wins in one song.

61. A.M.

A.M. isn’t great, but its placing at the end of their last album is one of their better tracklisting calls. Everyone shows up to play vocally and the choruses have some well crafted vocal arrangements. It’s simple. And it feels like a somewhat dignified send off for the band. I don’t know. I’m not made of stone, people.

60. Truly Madly Deeply

Once I got over the fact that this wasn’t going to be a Savage Garden cover, I appreciated Truly Madly Deeply for just really going all inon the sappiness. (Really though, these Take Me Home bonus tracks feel like they were all imagined for a different band. A better band. A band that would be fueled solely by the hopes and dreams of the innocent.) It’s all just such a wonderfully boyband-y affair.

59. Irresistible

Listen, the video I had to watch in order to listen to this song had an annotation that said“PLEASE READ MY HARRY FANFIC ON WATTPAD” and I feel like that really sums up the essence of this song better than I can. It’s Jamie asking people watching her youtube video in 2012 to please read her Harry fanfic on Wattpad. And like, there’s a unique charm to that.

58. I Want To Write You A Song

The difference in the vocals from their early ballads to this song is ridiculously stark. Like comparing this to Taken sounds like two entirely different groups of people. Those verses are just like a wonderful, rich, warm honey. (... we’ll just ignore the chorus.) But just like, don’t pay attention to the sound of the pencil writing in the background because once you hear it, you’ll never unhear it. *glass shatters* Oh, uh, sorry?

57. No Control

No Control is here solely on the shoulders of one of the best fanworks ever created. Do yourself a favor and watch it.

56. Story Of My Life

Here’s another 1D foray into the seedy underworld of the Lumineers & friends. It’s not the worst thing ever, and like, it smashed pretty hard so at least it has that going for it. And the music video is pretty great, like gj Ben Winston. But also the radio version for this song cut out Liam’s part in the second verse and I’m forever angry and bitter about it, because that’s the best part of the song. ... huh, do I even like this song? I feel like maybe I am learning that this should’ve been ranked ~20 spots lower.

55. Best Song Ever

This basically sounds like all their other lead singles, so let’s not waste any time talking about it as a song. (That’s not entirely true, it’s the only song where I am actively anxious about Liam whiffing a note.) Instead, let’s talk about the amazing music video it produced that actually forced all of them to“act.” And like, just do ridiculous things generally. And made it abundantly clear that they’re somehow the most boyband-y boyband to ever boyband but also totally unfit to do anything a boyband does. It’s a theatrical masterpiece that should’ve been eligible in the short film category of the Oscars.

54. End Of The Day

I remain convinced that End of the Day was two separate songs that they merged into one. Because the verses and choruses are totally unrelated to each other. But I’m okay with that, because both halves are great. And so it might not be a Reese’s Cup where two things blend together to make an even greater whole, it’s at least a tub of Neapolitan ice cream where the separate parts are delicious and don’t detract from each other. Am I hungry? I might be hungry.

53. Act My Age

If you were in Portland and walked into an Irish pub at like 1:45AM and then just started yelling, you would probably end up composing Act My Age. Like it’s just a lot of yelling, and there isn’t a whole lot of musicality happening. And I’m not entirely sure at any point during the creation of this song did anyone stop and think,“is this a good idea?” But like, that’s the point. That’s the whole point. And if you can’t appreciate a little sloppy fun, then maybe you shouldn’t have gone to a pub at 1:45 AM. That seems like it’s on you.

52. I Want

THIS IS GREAT. Because this is totally the“rock” song on Up All Night. And just typing that sentence out is hilarious to me. It’s very baby’s-first-rock-song, and there’s a real charm about that. But the best part of I Want is the staging of the live performances during their first tour. The ridiculous dinner party set up and all of them dressing up in formal-ish wear and like the ridiculous video they played. It was wonderful. They should’ve kept doing that.

51. Hey Angel

Much like A.M., Hey Angel on its own is not that great of a song. But also like A.M., its placement on the album makes it so much better. It’s kind of the perfect album opener forMade in the AM. It’s got that super lush instrumental opening and those epic layered backing vocals throughout. It’s like their producers said,“hey, we learned how to do our job and now we’re going to show it all off at once.” And then they did. It establishes the slightly-more-grown-up pop sound that MITAM just nails.

50. You & I

The chorus of You & I embodies the sweeping pseudo-romance that every sappy pop ballad attempts to be. And like, man does You & I really nail it. It soars just enough to make me almost forget some of the downright terrifying body horror-level of animorphs shit that the music video wrought upon my eyes. Also like, Zayn goes off at the end of the song, and not just on the high note. He hits some of his best runs on those adlibs and it’s money.

49. Loved You First

God. Take Me Home is a great album. Even the forgettable bonus tracks are pure pop perfection. They just like dig their elbows all the way into the soft bubblegum beats that have been churned out of some faceless stainless steel factory just for them. And it just carves out that perfect One Direction niche, a pop sound so ubiquitous that literally no one else even comes close to it.

48. Rock Me

“Do you remember summer‘09,” One Direction asks me. Oh yes, summer‘09, when Harry Styles was 15 and like, I don’t know, doing trigonometry homework? Maybe Louis was like, hanging out with his buddies at Starbucks drinking those coffee-free Frappuccinos? There were probably lots of cartoons involved? Come on, kids, I hope to god that was not the“best time of your life.” During summer‘09, I was being an adult and obsessively following Twitter updates of the tour of a reality singing TV show competition. Get on my level. (This song is great and I love it for letting Niall and Liam take lead on the chorus / refrain.)

47. Live While We’re Young

I gotta say, I am surprised at how much I like Live While We’re Young. I kind of always assume it’s boring when I think about it. But then I listen to it, and Zayn is telling me that we’ll keep doing what we do, just pretending that we’re cool, and I am inspired all over again. The song is just like distilled energy, and all the vocals are so crisp and poppy and the guitar is bouncing the whole time, and I just like- someone give me an inflatable banana to hit Liam Payne with.

46. Everything About You

This song is almost painful for me to listen to because it reminds me of the EURODANCE TRASH POP BAND THAT COULD’VE BEEN. The entire song is great, but during the breakdown, when they pull out the beat, and then bring it back in, and then there are those fire falsetto adlibs. God, this song is so slick and brilliant, and they could’ve gone down this path. In another timeline, they went down this path.

45. Strong

This song gets some points just for giving me some of Liam’s lower register (even if it’s approximately six notes total). That’s the real crime of One Direction, ignoring Liam’s incredible lower register. I’m all here for a ballad that you can kinda just scream along to in the shower, and that’s what Strong gives me. It’s a great hairbrush song (I say, as a person who does not own a hairbrush).

44. Steal My Girl

That opening piano for Steal My Girl is iconic. Or like, it should be iconic. Every set from every pop star ever should start with that intro. If that doesn’t get you hyped, nothing does. Like you just know whatever comes next is going to deliver. And, like, Steal My Girl kind of delivers after that. It’s not a total let down. And it gave us Anna Kendrick throwing down with John Krasinski while wearing a shirt silkscreened with a picture of Emily Blunt.

43. She’s Not Afraid

Wow, no song has ever said party on a beach quite like this one. I don’t entirely know what it is, but it’s undeniably beach-y. And like, this is not a song concerned with petty things like moderation or dynamics, it’s all about just going as hard as possible for one hundred and ninety seconds and I could not be more down for that ride. It’s also a song that manages to preserve and utilize Harry’s tone nearly perfectly in that first verse and then gives me Liam harmonizing with himself in one of the most pleasing symphonic moments of 1D’s discography.

42. Last First Kiss

There’s something incredible simplistic about the writing of Last First Kiss, which is unsurprising given that it’s one of the first songs that the 1D members had any actual writing input on. But it’s also really sweet and heartwarming in its simplicity. And sure, I’d rather just like send that second verse into a void, but there’s some real magic happening in the choruses. And that breakdown is just gooey falsetto candy.

41. If I Could Fly

Let me start off by saying that If I Could Fly is a bad song. Everything about it is super boring and bland and I mostly want to never listen to it. But, like, it’s also the single best vocal arrangement on any One Direction song ever. Which puts me in a bind when ranking it. So we’ve ended up solidly in the middle. Because man, for as much as I am bored by the song, the vocal arrangement and production are incredible. First, both Louis and Niall give their best vocal performances on this song. Louis gets to really tap into the natural rasp of his voice in a way that’s lovely and warm. And Niall’s voice has a richness to it that I wasn’t aware it was capable of. But then in the way the harmonies build throughout the choruses, and the way the lines switch back and forth between each person. And then the trade offs at the bridge and in the breakdown. It’s absurdly well put together, and thoughtful and it makes this group seem like an actual vocal band. But like, the song is aural Lunesta.

40. Alive

There’s an audacity to this song that absolutely should not work, but somehow does. Like, this is not a sound that works for One Direction, but through sheer force of conviction, they’ve managed to pull off this one song. Liam alone goes through like nineteen different vocal tones as he shifts from grit to rock to breathy to smooth. It’s a song that sort of bounces off all surfaces when it blares through speakers and just vibrates through your body. And somehow it goes through this journey in under three minutes.

39. Fool’s Gold

Fool’s Gold feels like it’s just gliding along the clouds bathed in sunlight the entire time. I get that it’s lyrically kind of sad and desperate, but it sounds so goddamn sweet and romantic and for a song about fool’s gold, maybe that’s fitting. The verses twist and turn effortlessly, and the choruses are just pure vocal bombast. And all of it comes together in a digestible caramel-filled truffle of pure bliss.

38. Save You Tonight

37. Clouds

This song is like a shot of adrenaline straight into the bloodstream. It constantly drives forward with overblown production and effects everywhere and at one point I’m pretty sure they just dump the song into the middle of a Star Trek soundboard and go to town. And I’m totally okay with all of that because adding a few caffeine pills to Four is only ever going to be a good thing.

36. Summer Love

I also kind of hate Summer Love. It’s incredibly treacly and the bad kind of cheesy. And honestly, the studio version is mostly terrible. But the live performances of the song throughout the Take Me Home tour are everything. And the song that gave me Liam belting out and then harmonizing with Zayn in one of the most impressive displays of vocal ability in 1D history needs to get some credit. Just like, be impressed with me.

35. I Should’ve Kissed You

I have a lot of true pop trash favorites from One Direction’s discography, but I think I Should’ve Kissed You is my absolute trash favorite. It’s the stupidest of their B-Sides, and thus the best one. Like, Liam and Harry do this fun back and forth on the first prechorus and then Liam and Zayn do it on the second prechorus, and I’m just really here for any song that makes it sound like they’re singing to each other about their eyes. This is an absurdly fun song and if you haven’t heard it because you don’t live for B-Sides released six years ago, then you should hunt it down immediately because it will transform your life. It’ll be like the Giver, you’ll see colors and shit that you didn’t know existed. (That was The Giver, right? I’m pretty sure that’s what happened in The Giver; the main character couldn’t see color, then this old guy played I Should’ve Kissed You for him, and then he could see color and like, wrote it down or some shit.)

34. Half A Heart

Half A Heart isn’t a total sewer rat of a song, but it’s not like great. But once more, a single great moment in the song elevates the entire thing. In the last chorus, Liam sings two separate harmonies, one which is played through the left channel and one which is played through the right channel, and that’s like the best thing 1D’s producers have ever done. I like have waited for them to repeat that but it just hasn’t happened and I demand to know why.

33. C’mon C’mon

One Direction rarely gives me the dance pop that I want, so when they do I really have to savor it. C’mon C’mon is like the exact kind of middle-of-the-road dance pop that my heart desires from this band. The vocal production is kinda breathy and overly slick, and it’s just a great affair. I mean, the fact that Liam doesn’t have a solo and I still think it’s great basically says everything. (But like, also makes it significantly worse than another song...)

32. They Don’t Know About Us

I love me some piano pop ballads. And like, this really leans into it with the wonderful tinkling piano that plinks through the whole song. It’s just like such a genuinely youthful song that is so gleefully exuberant that it’s hard not to get swept up with it. It bites down with the defiance of an unruly kitten and that’s just something I need more of in my life.

31. Don’t Forget Where You Belong

If They Don’t Know About Us grew up to become a college student, you’d get Don’t Forget Where You Belong. It’s somewhat more mature, but still far away from being a fully formed human. The way that the song just swells up through the bridge and then recedes back into that wonderful boom-boom-clap breakdown is gorgeous. And the bit of the second verse with Harry and Liam harmonizing is an aural delight. And there are just so many more small moments like that, where someone has a small vocal frill that gives the song a shade more replay value than your average 1D ballad.

30. Over Again

So, I like basically all of the Ed Sheeran-penned 1D songs (minus Little Things, which remains an abomination sea creature abyss monster). There’s just a deftness to the melodic construction that is more interesting than the average 1D ballad. And yeah, usually there’s a whiff or two in some of the solos (as there is here), but overall it’s a great, simple ballad that brings out a lot of the really nice softer tones of their vocals. (... and Liam kinda kills this song.)

29. Olivia

This might be a blatant grab at a Beatles song, but is there anything wrong with that? Shouldn’t more songs be blatant grabs at the Beatles?? Especially if they’re going to be this fun and boppy? Olivia just bounces along without a care in the world, and comes with some serious vocal firepower from all sides. That rapid fire cadence in the verses drives the pacing of an otherwise meandering melody. And man, those low notes can almost be described as showy, a rarity in One Direction’s discography.

28. Moments

For some reason, Moments comes with a lot of nostalgia for me, even more than the average Up All Night track. Something about it is inextricably sketched into the fabric of 2012 and will always bring me back there. It’s easily the best all around vocal song on all of their first album, which is too often defined by botched vocal production. It gets the various tones and breaks in everyone’s voice and utilizes those things as assets, not liabilities. And they somehow managed to turn that chorus into a larger-than-life chant that could literally fill stadiums. And like, that’s some power.

27. 18

So, while I like the Ed Sheeran songs, they’re all still very much Ed Sheeran songs. You can just hear how Ed Sheeran must’ve phrased the song on the demo because that’s exactly how all of the band delivers it on the record. Except for 18. On 18, we get some of the intricate melodies of an Ed Sheeran song, except with the musical personalities of the actual members of the band. They sort of figured out their own vocal identities and managed to wrest some of the vocal quirks away from Sheeran and into Payne/Tomlinson/Styles/Horan/Malik. And like, I enjoyed getting to witness that evolution in real time.

26. Wolves

Is“jaunty” a word people can use to describe music? Because Wolves is downright jaunty. Like, if you’re not chair grooving throughout the entire song, then there may be something medically wrong with you. It’s carefree and breezy and also comes with a supersized side of twists and turns to keep things fresh. Every damn solo brings a delightful new vocal delivery that just adds an extra layer of awesome to the song. Like seriously, every damn solo uses a different texture or has some offbeat cadence or somethingand it’s a smorgasbord of bubbly fun.

25. Up All Night

For all the criticisms lobbed against One Direction for being generic and manufactured, it’s hard to find another pop act that was delivering this slice of bubblegum pop in 2011. Which isn’t to say that 1D was producing original, groundbreaking music, but they were definitely filling a niche that had been left wide open since like the early 2000s when the last wave of bubblegum pop acts peaked. And Up All Night like burrows itself right into the middle of that bubblegum pop sound that just nestles into your ears and fizzes with bright, unabashedly catchy hooks. And like, we should all be so thankful that it does.

24. Girl Almighty

“Let’s have another toast to the girl almighty,” they bellow and you know they mean it, because they’re surrounded by a sea of mostly teenage girls that built an empire on blood, sweat, and feels. This is the sort of anthem that is a solid record in the studio, but really comes alive when blasted in a stadium and belted amidst the bone-crushing, world-ending power of the fandom that built House Direction. A power that can bend reality to make sense of a light as loud as as many ambulances as it takes to save a savior.

23. Back For You

This song is total musical whiplash, as it jumps from one big hooky line to the next big hooky line, in search of the perfect earworm. Every line of this song is the catchiest line on the album. And each word somehow vibrates with even more energy and electricity than the last. And like, it just doesn’t stop. It’s bursting and effervescent and every second of it should be cherished like the goddamn gem it is.

22. Perfect

“Perfect” is definitely just Taylor Swift’s “Style” with a slightly different melody. But“Style” is a jam and a half, and so I’m down with Perfect. It’s the perfect song to belt out at the top of your lungs while serving just a little bit more attitude than the lyrics of the song actually call for. Like, it’s a song that wants to make“baby I’m perfect” into a biting insult. But mostly, it’s a song that includes the line“if you’re looking for someone to write your breakup songs about, baby I’m perfect” and that’s the best line written into a 1D song.

21. Through The Dark

In the Mumfordineers Folk Hunger Games, Through The Dark is the victor. Because Through The Dark is an actually fantastic song that takes the swoopy melodies and the jangly banjos and the trawling percussion of the genre and uses them for good, not evil. It’s a decidedly sturdy, not quirky, song with some lush vocal arrangements and tight production. It is a vocal delight from start to finish with some pretty lovely harmonies and some killer adlibs towards the end.

20. Tell Me A Lie

Top 20 is serious business time, where all these songs are masterpieces in one way or another. And Tell Me A Lie is just another goddamn gem of a pop song. We get the first sense of the power of Zayn’s voice on the chorus here, a nice hint of the tour de force yet to come. And Liam hits all the most perfect boybander inflections, down to the breaths. The beat never stops and the vocals are always up to the task and the entire song is an example of what can be accomplished with a lot of fire and a little talent.

19. Does He Know?

First of all, everything about the lyrics of this song is amazing, and I will not entertain any conversation to the contrary. The absurdity of this band singing any of these words halfway between swagger and sincerity is great. And the entire song has the cadence of a pixie sticked-up child on a pogo stick, and that’s the kind of bounciness I’m looking for. But also, have you heard Liam’s voice? Namely, the absurd number of textures he hits on his various solos and harmonies here. He’s Mystique, but for voices. ... so, like, a voice actor, I guess.

18. Long Way Down

Speaking of Liam Payne’s voice. There’s something just personally satisfying about getting to hear him belt out for forty seconds on the melody of the song. He carries a lot of harmonies throughout 1D’s 89 other songs, but here every member sings entirely solo. And for Liam, that means carrying a melody and really going for the throat, throwing the real gravity of his voice around like a damn wrecking ball to my emotions.

17. Kiss You

Alright. I’ve described a lot of 1D’s songs as energetic or bouncy or whatever. But this, this is the pure concentrated shit. This is the shit that you can only buy after signing a waiver. This is the shit they keep locked behind the counter, that you have to ask for. Pound for pound, this song has more energy than any other song on earth. If scientists could figure out how to harness the power of this sun, we would solve all of our world’s greatest problems. The song is turned up to 11 the entire time, and no one is mad about it, because it’s just a fantastic song. The chorus itself has like three separate hooks in it; the prechorus is a hook on its own; the verses move at a breakneck pace. Just like, blast this a few times a day and you’ll be able to forgo your daily workout routine.

16. Where Do Broken Hearts Go

And once I got over the fact that this was not a Whitney Houston cover, I was able to enjoy One Direction’s best attempt at arena rock. This is the kind of stadium-filling rock sound that fits a pop band. Where Do Broken Hearts Go is impossibly big and bombastic and has just enough hard edges to break through the roar of an audience. But it keeps a lot of the vocal pop flourishes that keep the song believable delivered by a band that grew up in the circuits of a drum machine.

15. Change My Mind

I’m sure this song has verses and a bridge and like other parts. I’m sure it does. It must. It’s a song. I can see that it is longer than twenty seconds long. But, are we sure it’s longer than twenty seconds? Can we be entirely sure there’s anything other than Liam’s deliciously clear falsetto on the first chorus? Because that’s a divine musical experience with few rivals. The ridiculous control and clarity throughout the entire chorus, and the crispness of the tone and the certainty of the delivery. It’s a pure and magical chorus that should be enshrined in a museum somewhere, preserved for future generations of children to halfheartedly look at and shuffle past in boredom like all truly spectacular art.

14. More Than This

As far as pure ballads go, More Than This basically is as good as it gets. The melody of the song is so much more carefully constructed than anything else on their first album that I almost feel like they fell backwards into it. And yeah, the vocals on the studio version suffer many of the problems common to the Up All Night tracks, the merit of the song is enough to keep the whole endeavor afloat. And mostly, their later live performances showed that it was a song that they were more than capable of growing into. But More Than This is a genuinely sweet song that just hits all the right notes.

13. I Would

One Direction might not have a solid grasp of the subjunctive mood, but they certainly understand a hook. Because like, WOULD HE SAY HE’S IN L-O-V-E BECAUSE IF IT WAS ME THEN I WOULD. I mean, what? Where was I? I don’t know. Because I’m making the mistake of listening to this song while writing about it, and unfortunately the only thing I can do while listening to this song is belt out the chorus. Because this is an endlessly danceable song and grooves so hard and is all the fun.

12. Little White Lies

The first nineteen seconds of this song have some of my favorite production effects of the entirety of Midnight Memories. I like that while most of Midnight Memories veered into folk/rock, Little White Lies just sat there and was like, fuck y’all, I’m gonna frolic in some dance pop. And again, I love my dance pop. There’s a goddamn drop on the chorus, and it’s everything I could’ve asked for in a One Direction song. Heck, it’s more than I would’ve dreamed of asking for. Everything about that beat just pulses through you; you’re forced to feel the song in your core. And damnit, that’s exactly what I’m here for.

11. Fireproof

Fireproof is almost quaint in its simplicity. But like, it’s not one of those sparse acoustic guitar ballads that plagues bad Youtube cover songs. It’s lush and full and has an undeniable energy pulsing through it. Each solo is steady and assured, and somehow each seems to be pitched in the sweet spot of each member’s vocal range. And then, when there are harmonies, they’re identifiable in a way that One Direction harmonies hardly ever are. And they’re not drowned out by noise. The song is just like the best meal you’ve ever had, but not because of any fancy recipe, it’s just got like the best individual ingredients possible.

10. Change Your Ticket

Change Your Ticket starts with some weird spaceship noises and then only improves. The prechorus is fun and bouncy and then the chorus carves itself a solid groove and rocks back and forth in that pocket. And like most of One Direction’s best songs, it’s right in the center of their sound, instead of being some weird facsimile of something else. I don’t know, this just feels like what they should be singing and writing about and how they should be singing and writing about it. There’s the genuineness of a twenty year old multimillionaire in there.

9. History

So while AM might’ve been a great finisher for the album, History is the true closer in every sense. Their last single, music video, and song. And everything about it is perfect. The You’ve-Got-A-Friend vibe is the perfect vibe to go for. The ode to the fanbase that built them. The weird sentiment that acknowledges that this band has a damn history behind it. The production that makes it basically seem like a live recording, complete with an audience sing along. It’s just a lovely song that delivers on all of its promises and there’s nothing more I could’ve asked for, really.

8. Heart Attack

If you haven’t listened to Heart Attack in a while, do yourself a favor and listen to Heart Attack. It’s the most singable of a slew of immensely singable choruses. The OW! alone is worth the price of admission. The verses and prechorus are playful and like almost conversational. And then the chorus is this stew of oohs and aahs and it’s all ear candy. And like, OW! COME ON. Just like, scream OW! a few hundred times with me and you’ll understand.

7. What Makes You Beautiful

Ah, the song that started it all. There’s a reason that What Makes You Beautiful was a gigantic global smash and ignited the 21st century’s most popular vocal group. It’s fucking magical. Everything about it came together to make the world’s most digestible pop song, and then they filmed a music video that showed the world’s most digestible pop band. And like, there you go, mega international smash hit. But like for as global and digestible as the song is, it’s also brimming with the band’s personality. It doesn’t take itself too seriously and it’s incredibly fun and a little messy. And, y’know, great.

6. Drag Me Down

Have I ever been more hyped than when One Direction dropped this fucking bombshell on me randomly at midnight one day? Has my heart ever stopped faster than when Liam tweeted some shit about their new single? No. The answer is no. The release of Drag Me Down caught me by surprise and then proceeded to grab hold of my brain and imprint all over it. Drag Me Down is definitely One Direction in 2015, which is starkly different from One Direction in 2011. And like, that’s a good thing. It still doesn’t take itself too seriously and incredibly fun and a little messy, but this time it was also a little more confident. Less smiling at the ground, more telling people to step off. And like, still a huge, poppy bop.

5. Better Than Words

What happens when you combine a hugely catchy pop song, a fun lyrical conceit, and a ton of Liam Payne’s vocals? Better Than Words. A song that pleases both the ears and the wit. There’s something about the simplicity of using song titles throughout a song. And then the chorus explodes with an actual hook, and packs some musical merit behind that clever idea. And then Liam kind of just goes off, using the song as a vocal playground for his falsetto and his chest voice and everything in between. And it’s impossible to not grin at the whole thing.

4. What A Feeling

In the top 4, every song is #1 in my heart. What A Feeling is a goddamn masterpiece. One Direction like actually created this legitimately excellent piece of pop music. It is so perfectly produced that I almost don’t know what to say. It just creates this entire atmospheric vibe that envelops the entire song and gives it that dream-like quality. And the vocals are all so smooth and airy and float seamlessly along the melodies. When that sound really fills out in the chorus, the song goes from dreamy to transcendental and it’s a damn journey.

3. One Thing

What Makes You Beautiful might’ve been the song that catapulted 1D to superstardom, but I’m like fairly certain One Thing is actually the song that crystallized the fanbase. Because One Thing, in so many ways, feels like the essence of 1D. The most 1D thing to ever 1D. As a song, it’s not all that different from WMYB, but just like even more carefree about the whole ordeal. It’s a big, hooky pop song with a loud chorus. But the One Thing music video, which is just One Direction rolling through the streets of London, jumping over each other in only somewhat matched clothing and generally following no discernible script basically became the image of 1D. They are stupid and goofy and individualized in a way that has since become synonymous with the band. It’s a great song and a better video.

2. Never Enough

Everything about this song is insane. It has vocal doo wops the entire time. It has weird grunting. It has like a weird honking sound. It has screaming. It has all sorts of absurdly messy adlibs. And I totally love all of it. Every damn part of it. The verses have this rapid fire delivery that builds momentum. And the prechoruses have this funky groove to them. And the chorus explodes. And like, the whole time Liam is just doing the most. There are adlibs and harmonies and melodies and backing vocals and then also that totally unhinged Michael Jackson build. The song presents itself as a cavalcade of insanity and Liam’s vocal abilities. And it’s just like the most fun.

1. Stole My Heart

I need justice for Stole My Heart, the One Direction dance pop anthem of my dreams. Mostly, I need justice for Liam’s vocals on this song. I don’t entirely know what direction the producer gave Liam on this song, but I have to assume it was something to the effect of“fucking kill it.” Because he fucking kills it. He’s super breathy and airy and light but somehow still incredibly controlled and tight. And it’s like his voice was made for dance pop, even though we have 89 other songs in which he never sounds like this ever again. Because the world is the WORST. And yeah, okay, so he’s basically the only one who sings on the song, but that’s okay. Because did you hear him on it???Stole My Heart is the single greatest human achievement of the 21st century and I just want that to be recognized.

There you go. That’s the ranking. Feel free to disagree! But like, know that you’re wrong.

Congratulations, LOTZO! You’ve been accepted for the role of CASSIUS. Admin Taryn: I think the greatest testamentto this application is the fact that Cassian was developed in ways and areas that I hadn’t even started to consider. Lotzo, yours is the first application for Cassius we’ve received, but without a doubt I don’t need any others to know you have his portrayal nailed. Your initial analysis of my darling conspirator was what gripped me and didn’t let go; you brought up corners and edges of his self and morality that I’m not sure I would have been able to come up with should I have been left alone to ponder Cassius for hours. And THAT’S why I’m so happy to hand this character over to you – he’s no longer mine, but entirely yours! Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.

WELCOME TO THE MOB.

Out of Character

Alias | Lotzo

Age | 18+

Preferred Pronouns | They/them

Activity Level | I’m currently on my gap year, so this will probably change week to week. But I am a consistent writer - I write one response every two days as a minimum (no matter what else is going on), and may write faster at times. I am also normally available to chat with (I’ve got Discord, and Skype) because I get bored and like plotting with people. But this also means I have no definite commitments or school, but I might be on a plane. So it depends on my internet level and where I am, but a solid 5/10.

Timezone | ???? Right now, I’m at GMT +8, but next week I will be at GMT +9, and in two months I will be at GMT +11, and then in six months I might change again.

In Character

Character |

Cassius - Julius Caesar. Cassian Kun Hee - DiVerona

Cassian - Narcissistic, Vain. Latin

Kun Hee - No direct translation. Korean.

Face Claim - Lee Soohyuk

What drew you to this character? |

I’m an English Korean so asian characters immediately endear themselves to me. But the more I read Cassian’s biography, the more I fell in love and realise that I have no choice but to get dragged back into RPing (blame Ark).

Also, disclaimer : I’m planning on going into physics and philosophy at university and have spent alot of time in my local art museums and indie spaces, so I apologise for any rambling or things that don’t really make sense.

To start with, his parents are Korean. This is always an interesting dynamic, especially if they grew up in Western civilisation. What things do they keep, do they treasure, do they reject, do they find outdated? For Cassian, his obvious lack of care for his mother (the way he would willingly use her to further his own goals) was striking, and felt wrong. You never do ill of your elders in society, and especially not your parents. They are often all you have, and you respect them no matter what. What sort of thoughts were going through his head (she’ll get her name back, nothing permanent is actually happening, she’ll die anyway, I won’t be suspected, 엄마, I’m sorry, I don’t feel sorry, nothing matters) how would she react if she found out? My father is English, but I know how Korean fathers can be. They are often distant because of the work load and the desire to earn money for their children (I know one father who doesn’t get home till 1 am, but does this to earn money for the child to go to tuition, so the child feels the pressure to do the best with the opportunities provided, but it creates an interesting dynamic). They push and have expectations and this pressure to be as his father was - known - is something that shaped Cassian’s ambition.

Then the idea that his father influenced the world of philosophy. How could you change it? What ideas could you add to change the world? Modern understanding is founded in Aristotle and other ideas, but now we are branching into a new area, and what scholar wouldn’t want to expand on that? The Ancient’s ideas of categories and standards and relationships is something that we can no longer apply to us today. 90% of our universe is something we don’t even know exists, quantum has changed the way we research, time isn’t real, so how can Greeks be right anymore? I think that Lucien was working with ideas of truth and eternal nature, but to explain that would take a book.

But here’s my thought - there’s no such thing as truth in the modern age. People have struggled since the beginning to define it, and now we question whether definitions of anything can truly exist. So there’s a mix of existentialism and nihilism and if the only truth you have is the truth you choose to give yourself (but what is it to be human other than to have the freedom to shape the way you want your life to move), though Cassian has words to tell Satre about how he was wrong but maybe so close to being right, then Cassian knows that the only thing that is real is himself (I think, therefore I am). Everything will one day die, so while he lives he will pull everything out of the world for himself because one day everything will die, so who cares about morality and consequences when this is his life and he needs to make the most of it.

And those with ambition can only make it in two places - crime and politics. But aren’t they the same thing anyway? And there must always be a backup plan - so always know the game that you are playing. So Cassian went into law (this is the one area that I am not so fluent in :P) to understand and to learn and to grow and to strive because he needs to go up. He was bored all the time, even as a child no-one could keep up, nothing entertained him. So, being human, he still strove for attention - but did it in the safest way possible. He pushed the boundaries, and he found just how malleable they were. Marble could only bend so far, but people, they were easy.

Then the frustration, the palpable desire, the conflict in his head. Is he the pedestal, the power behind the throne? Or does he take credit, does he take his rightful place? Because he doesn’t want to be seen on throne, but he doesn’t want anyone else to be seen there instead. I also like how this mirrors the play - the desire to overthrow a tyrant (though for ambition, not personal freedom / Is Faron the modern Caesar? ) his manipulation of others, by whatever means to achieve his goal. (A pity we don’t have a Brutus) But the question is whether he wishes power for selfish ambition - or plain envy. He likes to be the top person in the room, the one with the power, the one others seek to gain affection and approval from.

So basically, I love the little details of Cassian’s life and how it all builds up to create the person that he is today, married, embroiled in the mob, confused as to what direction he wants to take his future. That motivation and that history is what draws me to writing him.

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? |

~~ Ruin and Rumination

And this man/

Is now become a god, and Cassius is/

A wretched creature and must bend his body/

Cassian had sought out Faron, had sought out the power the other man could give him. But as is all things ambitious, there can never be enough. The play uses Caesar to describe him as having a “lean and hungry” look, and this is how to best describe him.

Cassian had given himself a goal, one that he had since achieved, and now he wanted more. He had said that he wanted to be the neck, and the neck only, removed and therefore protected. But this invisibility comes with a cost - no one can see that you are there, no one appreciates the effort. And Cassian is narcissistic, he wants the adoration and reverence that other people have gifted him since he was a child, and how can you receive that when you stay in the shadows?

So now Cassian is pulling at his leash (self imposed and otherwise), straining so hard that soon something must break, though who and what is still to be seen. I want to explore what will happen with his desire for power, whether he will get it or whether it will all come crumbling down around his ears.

~~ Power requires people

They are the faction. O conspiracy/

One cannot bring down a kingdom by yourself, one cannot have ears in every corner, but it is possible to hire them, bribe them, force them, manipulate them.

To sit on a throne has no meaning unless there are people to do your will, to adore you, to flatter you.

Power requires people, so Cassian needs to build his network, men loyal to him and only him. He tells others “spies, only, to gather information for the Spades, do I not have the authority to do at least that?” But Ajax, Hector, others who seek to stay with the final winners, they pledge themselves to Cassian. But do they know that they sell themselves to the Devil and not the gods who seek to rule Verona?

I want to explore how he relates to people, how he is charming and forthright and how he builds those relationships, how he makes them sign themselves to him. How does he manipulate them, how do they react when the future is a train barreling right into him?

~~ Wedding Bells Ring

Here, in the thigh: can I bear that with patience./

And not my husband’s secrets?/

For so many, their greatest day is when they get married, when you have an equal, a partner, someone to trust wholly and will be loyal till the end. For Cassian, the day he got engaged was the day he felt himself signing away his freedom, a leash in the form of a metal ring on his finger.

Still, Cassian must adapt, because he can’t let the water rise over his head, needs to deal with the unpredictability of humanity - even if this means a new wife. Even if this puts new standards on his image, to the way he must adapt to involve a human being in his personal life, to how vulnerable it makes him (when you can’t hide inside your house you can’t hide at all, and one day it might all come spilling out).

I want to explore their dynamic, their relationship and the way that it could develop. Do the seek to get rid of each other? Tolerate the other? Merely using each other until they can be thrown away? Or are they protective of each other (no, it’s just my name), or realising just how human each other are?

~~ Great Art Depicts Emotion

He is a great observer and he looks/

Quite through the deeds of men: he loves no plays/

As thou dost, Antony; he hears no music/

Adulthood is a progression of childhood, so marble begets marble. While his parents showed emotion, were dutiful in their duties, there’s only so much you can do for someone so totally surrounded by wealth and finery and never being allowed to be wrong.

But who cares about emotion when everything is destined to fade into dust and then into nothingness, the chaos and entropy of a closed system set only to increase. Who has time for the way that other people think or react? Emotions and passion are things that Cassian doesn’t understand, doesn’t normally experience. (Frustration, anger, care, adoration, but rarely happiness, rarely sadness, never love)

Art is art because it is a way to convey a meaning or emotion to others. This was where he learn what the extremes of emotion were, so while he doesn’t love art, doesn’t love displays of passion, he finds himself constantly drawn to the theatre and the museum and the church, trying to understand this riddle that he can barely see.

I want to explore how Cassian related to others, how he displays emotion, how this varies from person to person, how much of it is actually an act. I want someone to try and break those walls down and realise that it a futile job - because there is nothing behind those walls. I want someone to merely exist in his life, and suddenly there is weakness, and how does Cassian react?

In Depth

Broad red strikes crisscross over the hint of a blue background, white scratches scored deep with a palette knife. Acrylic and oil, sliding over each other, refusing to react, red leaving gaping wounds on the canvas. Gold leaf brushed over the top, highlighting texture. A small plaque reads “F®iend”.

It looks like the taste of the champagne he is drinking, one hand curled around the stem, the other buried in a trouser pocket, head tilted as he examines the work. Fury and hatred trying to mar a bright history, but unable to, richness in the dark and regret buried in the heart.

He can’t feel it.

Something almost present on the back of his tongue, an ache in his molars and a heaviness on his chest. But there is still something missing, so Cassian continues to stand there, one hand buried in his pocket, one curled around the stem of a glass. But the taste is bitter, dirt lingering on his tongue, and he tries to find something more in the paint.

Behind him, the sound of footsteps come close, then stop, muted in the occupied room. A voice enquires from behind him, “Do you mind if I ask you some questions Mr Kun Hee?” Nervous, tight, some anxiety at approaching, but still a deep voice. Cassian doesn’t bother to turn around, relaxed eyes still breathing in the vivid motion on canvas. He shrugs, then takes another sip of the champagne. (Yet still the bitterness lingers on his tongue)

The person coughs, then asks, “What is your favourite place in Verona?”

His fingers tap idly on the glass, the moment stretching out between them. He can hear the shifting of a jacket as the person moves, and Cassian breathes in, out, in, then replies, “I daresay I haven’t been here long enough to give that question the full answer it deserves. You architecture is much more grand than America, your religion a lot more steeped in history, your shops in vice. A day at a time though, I think.”

There was much in Verona to inspire, to claim and conquer, but they were all just buildings. They each brought out different aspects, required a different style of thought to appreciate. The bridge allowed freedom of thought, the museum enhanced appreciation, the library for knowledge.

Still, he tended to revisit the galleries most often, like a mystery he couldn’t walk away from. He stood in front of the painting, in front of the sculptures, trying to make sense of the emotion portrayed, tried to imagine his own throat bared back in a parody of marble. He hated not knowing, walking around with something hollow, some piece of the puzzle, some thread that connects creation and leaves him stranded in the dirt. He hates it.

But still he returns.

The person hums, and then the sound of scratching of pencil on paper, like a buzz behind his ears. “You didn’t really answer the question, Mr Kun Hee.”

The next painting was as tall as person, a steady gradient of gold to burgundy, brush strokes nearly invisible, the faint impression of silver clouds broiling on the horizon at eye level. “Ruin”. Cassian steps towards it, eyes closing for a moment, the hint of a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth as he hears the person fumble, quick steps as they move to stand behind him again.

“But that’s alright, I’ll just move onto the next question, shall I? What does your typical day look like?”

His glass motions towards the painting in front of him, “I wake, I exercise, I go to work, I appreciate.” This painting was darker, no pastels or brighter colours, no white to highlight motion. It seemed to suggest the steady decay of everything, the dark red on top threatening to swallow the clouds and gold below.

“I-, what does your work normally look like?”

Cassian scoffs, the only movement a brief eye roll. “Do you want a detailed description on attorneys operate and the information on my clients, or will you take what I have given you?” The constant sound of movement from behind him threatened to tear him away from the paintings, the heels of leather shoes scuffing the floor, the movement of a jacket against a shirt. And now, a cough, and the shuffling of paper.

In truth, his work involved legally representing people, but also ensuring that the law was always on the side of the Spades, and doing whatever Faron needed next. There was also the gathering of his own intelligence and background work that needed to be done to ensure loyalty, though that tended to take up far less time and far more of his mind compared to his day job.

The detail of the painting was highly technical, the stroked all leading to a nebulous center, the clouds barely emerging from the background once you looked closer, though so clear from further away. Latex mixed with paint, softening the edges so the paints could move together, gel added to the background, dimming the colours.

“That will be fine, thank you. Final question, what are your thoughts on the war between the Capulets and the Montagues?”

Cassian stilled, chin tilting upwards, an eyebrow barely raising. This was popular gossip in Verona, especially with recent developments, so not unusual. But unexpected. The sound of the person grew quieter as Cassian didn’t answer, before his shoulders relaxed slightly. “Is it a war? I thought it was only a blood feud, though it has yet to cross into my court. However, I have heard rumours of a new group, the Diamonds? But perhaps this means that there is no war anymore, which can only be a good thing.”

And this was true, to an extent. It was a silly little battle between two groups that had once had the potential to be so much more, but were reduced to petty bickering and local conflict. It was good that it was over, good that power had come to the Spades. (To them, not to him, and for a moment all Cassian could feel was an itch under his skin, his breath catching in his lungs as the red on the painting seemed to overtake the canvas.

“But why do you ask?” Cassian said, the hint of curiosity turning him away from the painting to face the questionnaire. But there was no-one within twenty feet, and he would have heard the sound of footsteps moving away.

In-Character Para Sample:

The rasp of cash sliding against a palm is smothered, the heat on the night damping all noise around them. Notes slipping between people, instructions to be given from person to person to person. He was never involved.

The wind whips away his breath, and his stomach feels cold even as the humidity chokes everyone else. Cassian can’t tell if he’s falling or flying anymore, whether he’ll hit the ground or rise above heaven.

But one things is true - he is no longer bored.

—

The table is opulent, yellow and pink flowers in a vase on the table, several members on the local government invited to a dinner. His mother sits at his right, adorned in a delicate white dress, his father on her right. Inane conversation, gentle laughter, “who takes care of checking financial records?”

—

The sound of the TV was a constant drone in the background, something to fill the dead air as they worked, a blank faced news reporter with a monotone voice.

The sound of his mother’s pen stopped, and Cassian looked over to see her staring intently at the TV, so his head titled that way as well.

“There have been more recent developments with the call for impeachment for the South Korean President, Park Geun-hye. It has recently been revealed that her friend, Choi Soon-sil, was the daughter of a cult founder, and that her father was also a close mentor to the current President. Additionally, the corruption charges against her continue to mount, and a lot of Koreans are now more conscious about their government’s fiscal responsibilities, and many major companies are being looked into.”

—

Seollal was a major festival, Koreans’ inviting family over to celebrate a time of new things. Normally, they would go to South Korea and visit the extended family, but this year they were staying at home. New allegations were continuously being brought against them, and a case file was being built.

It was the beginning of a new year, Seollal, and the three of them were gathered around a table. Normally, they would go and visit South Korea and the rest of the family, but this year there were mounting pressures as new allegations were brought against Hana, the threat of a court case keeping them nearby.

Silence echoed throughout the small dining room, the faint clink of cutlery against plates the only conversation in the room.

Clink.

Clink.

Mechanically chewing the food, turkey and rice and kimchi and ddukgukk and carrots. Only five side dishes, but three courses, and silent looks shared between his parents.

Clink.

Cli- “Cassian, I want to ask a favour.”

The three put down their cutlery, the farce of a meal paused for a moment, and his gaze flickers between them.

“Anything, 엄마, what do you need?”

His father this time, leaning forwards with his elbows on the table, tidy beard darkened as his face tugs into a frown. “You know that there are rumours going around about Hana, and, with the current political climate it may begin to escalate even further. There isn’t any truth in the matter, but.”

His mother interrupts, placing a hand on Lucien’s shoulder, troubled eyes turning to pin him into his chair. (Did he make a horrible mistake?) “But if it does go any further, we want you to be my legal counsel. I trust you with this.”

Emotions, that’s what is expected with family. Trust and vulnerability and sharing emotion.

Cassian coughs. “I, I’m sure that won’t be necessary Mother, but, if it means that much to you, then of course.” Her face brightened, and Cassian has to struggle to keep the guilt pushed down (why does he feel so much guilt? He shouldn’t, it doesn’t mean anything, he’ll get her out of it, it might even help) and he chokes a little. He turns his face away and takes a sip of water, ignoring the way the slope of her shoulders rounds out, the way the wrinkles around the corners of his father’s eyes soften.

Something burns in his chest. It burns, hot and fiery, before it goes cold.

Cassian continues to eat his meal

—

She wants to hug him. He can tell, that after every court session and every time they see each other there. She reaches forward, about to pull him down, about to kiss him on the cheek or say something, before she notices were she is. He feels no regret in pulling away every time, at leaving her calls. He’s her lawyer after all, it just wouldn’t be professional.

—

The court case is over, and Hana immediately throws her arms over him, pulling him in for a close hug. Cassian stiffens, every instinct urging him to run away, before he rests his head on her shoulder. “I knew you could do it,” she whispers into his ear, pulling him tighter for a second, before letting go.

He hasn’t been hugged like that since he went to university. He can’t tell if he misses it.

Her face is shining again, relief banishing the worry, though there is now much more grey in her hair, now wrinkles on her forehead. But the smile on her face is the biggest for a while. Can he fool himself, can he say that it was okay because she would be happy again at the end?

No.

His face tightens and Cassian grimaces, before turning away and packing up his papers. There will be people who want to congratulate him.

—

Extras

MBTI : ISTJ

Date of Birth : Sunday 27th March 1988

Favourite Drink : Mint Julep

Mock Blog : cassianmock.tumblr.com

Contains

Aesthetic x2

Playlist

Headcanons x2

(2) On this subject; would you mind precising what you mean by ‘Space colonialism’ ?I find the idea super interesting and relevant, but while the fascist -and imperialist- reference is accepted by 98% of the fandom, i’ve rarely found analysis of the Empire/First Order focusing on the specific issue of colonialism. So if you have any meta/opinion on this particular subject, I’d be really super interested !

oh man okay this is like a really really long subject and i could theoretically go on for hours about it (i partially go into it here) so i’m just going to weave a few of my thoughts loosely in here starting c. the clone wars and going up to the first order conflict.

so the particularly interesting thing with star wars (for me at least) is that it begins with what we’d call a neo-imperialist set-up. the actual structural division of the galaxy mirrors the structural divisions that were set up in the dependency theory of development: i.e. that both at an international and national level, the world can be divided into a core-periphery model with wealth and resources flowing from the peripheries to the core. star wars takes this literally and gives us the Core worlds - coruscant, alderaan, corellia etc - the Inner Rim, the Mid-Rim and the Outer-Rim (i’m simplifying a little, but these are the ones that are crucial here). the Core worlds have both political, economic and cultural dominance over the rest of the galaxy, while the Mid and Outer Rims seem to rely entirely on trade relations with the Core worlds to sustain their planets. if you binge read through enough wiki pages you generally get the idea that

1) the Outer Rim planets are resource rich in terms of both minerals and agricultural land/resources.

2) the galactic republic in return offers military protection (and sweet sweet credits) against pirates and gang-based violence or against intra-world conflicts.

3) the Outer Rim is technologically dependent on Core World tech for its mining operations. quite a few of these worlds fall into debt with the intergalactic banking clan as they continue borrowing money to keep up with Core World demands for resources.

4) the Core World deals are not necessarily the most equal or the most reciprocative.

5) membership in the galactic republic is treated as a privilege and used to browbeat worlds into submission.

so all of this adds up in essence to a situation where the Outer Rim is essentially dependent on the Core economically, politically and militarily for survival - and continue to be dependent on them because of the unequal flows of power and influence that generally give the Outer Rim worlds less bargaining power while negotiating trade deals with the galactic republic and the Core Worlds. its neo-imperialism at its classic world because effectively, the Core Worlds and Coruscant dictate the kind of policies these guys follow, extract uh primary level raw material resources from them which they then turn into higher level goods and services that are sold back to these guys, usually in the form of tech but also in other imported goods & services.

this is crucial because this is the background to the separatist conflict. or well, its a mixed bag because the trade federation and the corporate alliance are in favour of a decentralized galactic government precisely because it means setting up rules that are favourable for their brand of free trade with minimum regulations and ethical standards. but ANYWAY, if you look through the page on the separatist crisisyou generally get the idea that the Outer Rim is sick to the teeth of economic exploitation sans reciprocity from the Core Worlds, military intervention in local conflicts and political meddling by the galactic republic that keeps them entirely at the mercy of the political patronage of senators from more politically and culturally powerful worlds.

then, enter the empire.

so the thing with the empire is that it doesn’t really do settling in the truly classic sense of the term where they don’t just occupy a place militarily, but eventually impose cultural and social dominance over a place. its a mixed bag of things and dependent on which EU book you’re reading (because the films don’t actually talk about imperial occupation outside of rogue one, which shows us exactly what it looks like on jedha, but not necessarily its social and cultural ramifications). point is, that the empire tends to have a primarily exploitative relation with the Outer Rim, continuing in the grand tradition of the galactic republic but with maximum repression and rights violations and also genocide. the primary reason to read the EU novels imo is because they delve deeply into this and man do the EU writers go hard for drawing out the parallels between colonial occupation and exploitation and the empire. a brief summary from the books i have read & relevant political comparisons where i’ve seen them:

servants of the empire: the empire occupies lothal and sections off farmland with ridiculously little compensation for the displaced farmers, then poisons the trees and strip mines the land after the land is declared fallow. local resistances are brutally suppressed and its captured members are sent for ‘re-education’. pertinent comparison: most mining facilities on indigenous lands & the violent suppression of indigenous uprisings.

a new dawn: the empire mines thorilide from cynda to the point where the moon itself is structurally unstable. when this is made clear to the dude in charge of extracting thorilide from the moon, he elects to blow up the moon so that the empire can mines its remains in peace for short term profit. pertinent comparison: most environmentally exploitative operations in the third world, but especially mass-deforestation and the threat of global climate change (which leaves the third world largely more vulnerable than the first world countries).

ahsoka: the empire comes to the agrimoon raada aiming to turn it into a farming colony for its soil-destroying nutrition supplement plants. they turn the local populace into slave labor and prevent all public meetings of more than a specific number of people and impose a curfew. farmers stage an uprising. pertinent comparison: the substitution of cash crops in place of agricultural ones, encouraged by tax levies that farmers struggled to pay off and which devastated huge areas of farmland and left local populations without food in india at the turn of the nineteenth century, a big cause for the upswing in the independent movement. also pertinent comparison: the curfew and public meeting restrictions placed on folks during the independence struggle.

lost stars: the empire captures a formerly separatist world. this one comes the closest to chronicling the process of occupation and how at first the natives are welcomed into the empire and its kids are recruited into its military, before they are slowly pushed into doing mining labour while the empire ruins the land thru strip mining. pertinent comparison: the macaulay principle, of educating a class of‘babus’ who would carry out british rule while the brits called the shots in india, eventually replaced by more racially restrictive policies as they realized these guys were getting too big for their shoes.

catalyst: the empire occupies samovar and wadi raffa, both of which are legacy worlds and protected by various environmental acts. does so by dropping weapons on to these planets and then claiming anarchist activity as a reason for military intervention and occupation. the enslavement of the population of geonosis with archduke poggle the lesser getting to play the role of collaborator here (though this is later revealed to be a ploy).

lords of the sith: fucking ryloth man. i feel like that should explain itself but context - ryloth is a spice rich world and the empire does love itself some drug exports because credit$$$. the hutts love it for the same reason too. the local populace does not. depending on which version of the wiki page you read, the twi’leks are one of the largest displaced populations in the star wars universe, especially prized for their slave labour (and the women for sex slavery). its also one of the most underdeveloped worlds in the star wars universe i think, there was a big deal about how they used PAPER in bloodline, so. anyway. bottomline - the few remaining twi’lek keep the free ryloth movement up and going. the empire does not like it. palps and vader arrive personally to take care of these uppity non-humans demanding independence. brutal imperial suppression and murder of twi’leks ensues. i don’t think i need to explain what the parallels are here.

aftermath: life debt- i am pretty sure that aftermath also had stuff but like, i have gone on long enough here and i want to make this point specifically because i saw some meta about this some time ago and i am still quietly fuming about its insistence that it has bad (as in badly written) villains. but anyway. life debttakes us to kashyyyk and introduces us to grand moff lozen tolruck who is, to put it lightly, a raving racist. like if you read the novel and had no idea about what real world colonialists were like (spoiler: they were raving racists) you’d think that he was a strawman set up specifically to be your obviously bad villain. he likes hunting wookies for fun. he’s toxic british colonial masculinity (all those terribly masculine colonels and majors from your average agatha christie novels) turned up to the max. he likes eating the meat of non-human sentients. he thinks his mate odair’s plan to farm wookiees and sell their meat now that they aren’t fetching money as slaves is a grand idea. he is, in short, utterly fucking revolting. in real world terms, i guess, he’s the physical manifestation of the black sheep aristocrats who were shipped off to the colonies across the world to make their fortunes away from their parents’ sight because they were too morally offensive to stay in jolly old england, of the colonial army officers and their weird masculine obsession with HUNTING local fauna and fetishizing local natives and brutally stamping out local rebellions by doing shit like tying up poor old farmers, of every dude who thought that like non-white people were animals or inhuman apes who had to be treated violently to understand any kind of sense, of every politician who called us wogs and was like yeah these guys are animals who can die by the millions because yep they’re actually just insects. he’s like, the seediest ur-colonialist archetype brought to life. he’s the face of colonialism at its inhumane worst, basically and i will fight anyone who says he’s too unrealistic and a badly written villain because fuck you, real life gave us real badly written villains who killed us irl.

look there are a lot more examples i could pull from the novels but i’ve already gone on for long enough on the material aspects of colonialism as paralleled in the star wars universe. so i’ll just touch on the problem of cultural and social imperialism and move on to the first order.

so the social and cultural aspects of imperialism during the empire, i think, are concentrated in the ideology of humanosupremacy and the political structure of COMPNOR and specifically within that, the Coalition for Progress which focused on the cultural and social aspects of empire buildilng: of curating and censoring art, of colonizing the personhood of the citizenry and molding them into their ideal of the imperial/galactic citizen, of self-surveillance tools such as citizen snitches and youth wings, of propaganda and controlling information that was disseminated. both ideologies are very much rooted in the Core World supremacy where the largely human worlds held sway over most of the galaxy and from which was inferred the idea of the natural right of humans to rule (humanosupremacy) and the inherent inferiority of the character of non-humans (calling them cheats and liars and inherently barbaric and deserving of brutal rule to keep them in line). this is where the universe gets a little bit dodgy because like, its an old school idea to make commentary on colonialism in space by making non-humans inferior which kind of misses the point of the cultural construction of racial inferiority because the whole point there is that all differences are imagined. rather than like, you know, genetically testable, thanks SFF. anyway, the whole point is: the empire expands Core World cultural by, for example, holding up their artistic standards as the standards artists across the galaxy have to meet - with any indigenous art forms being treated as inherently suspicious or subversive and therefore in need of destruction, or else just plain old simplistic and inferior and not worthy of comment.

that’s just the empire and colonialism.

the first order, imo, is less about colonial exploitation proper though before the awakening does give us first order exploitation of a mining planet and the brutal suppression of a mining strike. it is about nostalgia for age of empire and age of colonialism. it wants to make the galaxy‘great’ again (the empire‘great’ again) and to have the kind of prosperity and comfortable aristocracy that it once used to have. there was a post that went around (and if anyone has the link to it it’d be grand) about how hux is an edwardian schoolboy colonialist but i think its an unfair comparison, because that was the empire. hux and his cohort are very much the latter day bullingdon club types: the oxford and cambridge tory private club brigade, who rue the demise of empire and wish that britain had the influence it once used to in the world arena again. bloodline goes pretty hard with this nostalgia and tradition comparison again - the centrists are keen for the return of empire and collect its memorabilia and have parties lamenting it in a way that feels like the daily mail and telegraph personified.

i have a lot more thoughts about space colonialism and space development and development theory and could probably go on for much much longer but these are a) my key thoughts and b) i’ve probably forgotten something? also c) everything else is going into my cassian fic which will presumably be more interesting than me rambling from place to place.